Am I being too picky?

3 Standards of Dating to Avoid Being Too Picky

When it comes to dating, we definitely have to know what we want in our potential spouse! But....are there are times when our wants supersede our intentions and expectations? ABSOLUTELY! When we become so consumed by our checklist of "must haves," we can lose sight of core principles and values. Ultimately we can find ourselves asking the age old question of, "Why am I still single?" 

There is a common occurrence that happens after a breakup. We begin to think back on our past relationships and our "exes," (or whys​ ​​as I call them) and we explore: "Why did I date her?" or "Why did I stay with him for so long?", or my favorite, "Why did I put up with this?" In asking these questions of ourselves we begin to identify ways for which ​this will never happen again. We come up with this ​list ​of all the potential things that we want to stay away from in our next relationship. And it will begin to evolve into what we want in our next partner. We identify what we believe to be is a great way to weed out potential "wastes of time" vs potential wives and husbands. But when we start to measure our potential dates to our list, we find that many of them are NOT meeting the cut...per se. So it brings me to two questions.... "are you being too picky?" or "are you setting realistic standards?"

​Now this is not my attempt at telling you not to have standards and expectations of the type of man or woman that you desire to date. However, this is me calling you out if your list is focused on a man who is only 6'3 and above because you like to wear heels and can't date a man shorter than you or that a woman has to wear her natural hair because you are not a fan of extensions or weaves. Those superficial items are not going to help you get to the values and integrity of a person's character. So instead of creating a list of attributes to help you find love, you are creating a list of blocks that are further distancing you away from your goal.

To help you refocus your expectations, I am going to share with you 3 Standards of Dating to Avoid Being Too Picky:
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• 1) ​Compromise on what you are willing to give, not what you can't change. Deal-breakers are just that....DEAL BREAKERS! They are the absolute "no-no" that will prevent you from pursuing or accepting a date or relationship with a person. The thing about deal-breakers​ is that they are non-negotiable. That means, if a person does or does not do something on your deal-breaker list, then move on. Don't try to work around or change it, because it's not going to happen. Be sure that when you identify a deal-breaker that it is based on realistic values and lifestyles for which you can maintain.  (I will come back to this concept in shortly.)
• 2) Accept that people have baggage and past experiences. ​As you go through this process of identifying and developing your potential partner, you have to keep in mind that you are trying to build​ WITH someone. This isn't a ​Build-a-Bear ​workshop so you are not going to get a new man or woman to design in your way. You are more often going to meet someone who has been heartbroken and potentially on the same journey just like you.  You either have to be willing to build with that person or move over and let another foreman take on the job. With that, identify and recognize your limits of what you can and cannot deal with in relationships. Refer back to your deal breakers.  And....
• 3) Be the standard of what you want! ​Ladies...? Gentleman...? can you hear me now? GOOD! You cannot expect to get a man or woman who owns their own home, makes 6 figures a year, and has a 720 credit score, when you are living at home with your parents, struggling with your car payment and cell phone bill, and can't get a store credit card without a co-signer. IT'S. JUST. NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN! You know why? Because that person has deal-breakers too! And chances are you are NOT what they want. Therefore, if you find that you cannot attract the person you want in your life, then you may need to start looking inward to identify what in you needs some growth and changes. This may be a time for you to stay single and get yourself first. Guess what? That is perfectly fine. There is no need to go out to jump into a relationship when you are not prepared for one.  Otherwise, you will continue to create or identify bad relationships.

​What are your thoughts? Do you have other standards of dating to add?

Need support getting to these dating standards in a better way? Schedule an appointment and let's explore your needs for ​Relationship Coaching!
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